A plan.

During one of our many conversations regarding my unemployment, Amanda suggested I give up going for the normal sales and customer services jobs and concentrate on something more fulfilling. Look for something that would help me. Find a job where I could learn a marketable skill, yet find a company that is young and up and coming company at the same time. And so the idea spawned that I should beat the pavement, CV in hand, applying to advertising and marketing firms around town. The idea was that I could go in at entry level, and work my way up. I could learn about one of the biggest and fastest growing industries in Amsterdam, and have that experience on my CV when we do decide to shove off. "Yes, that’s all well and good," I told her, but the thought of actually doing it was a daunting task.

I explained it to her like this: "Imagine me: a guy with no confidence, walking into a big advertising firm in downtown Amsterdam, asking for the manager, and selling myself to him like Henry Miller did to the Western Union Telegraph Company. I don’t personally see it happening, however, the worst I could imagine happening would me being rejected. That’s not really so bad, is it? Rejection is one thing, but embarrassment is something different altogether.

As I write this, the neighbour upstairs blasts terrible pop music, and I grit my teeth.

The weekend after this conversation, two friends of ours came over in the early evening. He works in one of the biggest advertising companies in Amsterdam, if not the world. I had the idea of speaking to him about the possibilities of getting into the advertising game. I thought, "Well, I'll see what he has to say, and I’ll take it from there." I knew there would be one question that would inevitably enter the conversation, which I would not be able to answer truthfully: what is it you’re looking for? Or: what do you want to do? I could see him and his lovely bride walking out the door with him saying to her, “what the fuck was that all about?”

It could just be me, but most people don't seem to have the highest level of confidence in my competence and ability. They give me wary looks when I speak of grand plans and grander adventures. They have an idea of me which is a falsity. The only way I can alter this idea is to prove my worth. And that is what I intend to do. How do I plan to go about it? That is what I must ponder.